How the Japanese love well (and how 4 words changed my life)

When you live in a new culture, “loneliness” can take over your heart and mind without you even realizing it. A common feeling among expats (ok, all humans) is that we can feel loneliness without deep relationships and connections.

Since moving, I would not have described myself as being lonely, at least not in the traditional sense of the word (hence the quotation marks used above).  I have both expat friends in an out of our mission organization and national friends (more than I even had in the States). I work incredibly hard at making friends in Japan. I have made a lot of risks and gone out on a lot of limbs to make new friends. But ironically enough, as soon as I wrote half of this blog post, I decided that perhaps I have struggled with loneliness. It just depends on how you define it (and how honest you are with yourself).

But, when you’re lonely or experiencing feeling of loneliness, the number of people in your circle does not mean loneliness won’t knock at the door of your heart.

Before we continue, let’s describe what loneliness is, and what it’s not:

Anyone else get lonely just from reading that stuffy definition?

What loneliness IS :
(straight from my brain)

1. Loneliness can be experienced despite our relationships (friendships, social circle, community, relationships), but can certainly be exacerbated due to conflict and expectations in those circles.
2. Loneliness does not decrease by surrounding ourselves with more people. Sometimes, lots of acquaintances without a depth of connection can be more isolating. That’s where I’m at right now, how do I navigate what “depth” is in a friendship through the lens of a culture that isn’t my own? (see last few paragraphs). 
3. Loneliness can develop with a lack of “roots”. I have found that the more roots I establish in our community, the more my loneliness dissipates. I have found that when I am pro-active (to build relationships, look for spiritual/emotional resources, etc, that it helps a lot!
4. Loneliness can be a result of the loss of a relationship: a move, a transition, empty nest,  a transfer, a break up, and the hardest of all, death of a loved one. Friend, I see you.

What loneliness Is NOT:
(according to me)

1. Loneliness is not just isolation. You can be lonely without being isolated (physically or emotionally).
2. Loneliness is usually not fleeting: the feeling lingers for periods of time (possibly due to circumstances, geographical location/proximity, or relationships and connections).
3. Loneliness can exist no matter your relationship (friendship, marriage, community). But, can be exacerbated due to relationship conflicts.
4. It’s not something you need to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

While I was (and still am) forming new relationships in a culture 180 degrees different from my own, I’ve made a collection of observations. Through these mental notes, I’ve learned a lot about what it means to love and receive love, in a culture bigger than my American one. It’s beautiful to have insight into a culture that I wasn’t born into. It allows you to see the world through a bigger lens, and to learn more about God. I love how it’s broadened my views on the Lord and His love for us.

So, this is what I’ve learned about how the Japanese love well: observations from my Japanese friends and community:

But first, some disclaimers: There are beautiful aspects to all cultures, and I believe that all cultures exemplify some amazing aspects that others can learn from. This is simply a glimpse into the culture I live in. These are from my year and a half experience within this culture. I’m sure these observations I know these observations will change throughout our life in Japan. I also know that not every person is the same as everyone else in their culture. Yes, many Westerners do the following things, so these are simply generalizations. This is also not “the American culture is bad” post. Far from it. It’s simply a new way of thinking. 

1. Perhaps one of the first things you’ll notice when you step off the plane are manners. The Japanese are well-known for their politeness and etiquette. After living in this culture for over a year and a half, I can vouch that these same statements remain. It’s beautiful. Perhaps their manners don’t always stem from an act of selflessness and aren’t 100% flawless, but they are respectful nonetheless. The Japanese show love through respect.

This seems incredibly simple and too obvious, but it’s not. Here are some small ways the Japanese show they put you first:

1. Give you the seat of honor (which PS, isn’t the same as what we’d consider). Make your friend more comfortable than you.
2. If they invited you to lunch, they’ll ask you what you’d like to order and then order for you. This doesn’t seem pushy at all and is incredibly kind. I’m not sure it could always swing in the Western culture, but it’s a kind and respectful gesture.
3. A huge standard in Japan is the culture of gift giving. I put this under manners because it is a form of Japanese cultural politeness. What’s best is when I realize someone has started gift giving as a means of building a relationship (example: a few weeks ago someone at my church brought me origami and a few weeks before that, Japanese pickles. These are small gestures to show they care. I of course, returned the favor with small gifts to say thank you).

⇒What can we learn from the Japanese about manners and etiquette: do onto others as you’d want to them to do to you.  (hmm. brings a Bible verse to mind, doesn’t it?).

2. The Japanese don’t just ask a simple “how are you” and move on. They ask with more intention, not just a passing question. Their intention is often focused on your children, studies, work, etc (I assume because these are more indirect lest you seem too forward in asking about how the person is doing).  I suppose one can’t see a distinction between this and the Western culture, but I sense it in the frequency and consistency of the questions. These questions are asked in passing, school pick ups and drop offs, etc. You don’t feel forgotten. They care about your children and their education. They care about your job. Through asking about these things, they care about you.

⇒What can we learn from the Japanese about asking questions: ask consistently, with intention and care about the answer.

3. The Japanese are a collectivist society. For my Western friends reading this, America is not a collectivist society, but we can glean so many wonderful ideas from this culture. The Japanese interact as group units, and think of the group more highly than the individual. This is not a foolproof thing, but it certainly represents some beautiful aspect of the church and body of Christ.

Some daily examples of what this looks like:

1. If you’re going out for lunch with a friend, you don’t leave your mutual friends out.
   If you usually spend time together as a group of 3, you stay a group of 3. This can limit hard feelings and jealousy.
2. If you are with others, look out for each other.
   This is evidenced so well if you see a group of moms spending time together with their little ones. This happened to me just today when I was at lunch with my friend. My child dropped her spoon, toy, etc. and my friend grabbed it for me in the blink of an eye. Looking out for each other (in your group) is almost instinctual. I’ll never forget the day my youngest couldn’t get her sweater on. Before I could even realize it, my friend bent down and helped her get dressed (all while wearing a toddler of her own). Even when I bent down to take over, she just finished the task, even though it was challenging for her.
   Another example: it was communion Sunday at our church and I was upstairs with a rowdy toddler, so I was missing the service. Two different women came upstairs during the service to ask if I was participating in communion, and when they realized I couldn’t, they brought the elements to me. The sweetest lady hauled a tray of tiny grape juice cups up a steep flight of stairs, just to include me.

⇒What can we learn from the Japanese about being a collectivist society:  include others and lookout for them. Be someone’s second set of eyes.

When 4 words changed my life & perspective on community:

4. In April, along with some fellow youchien friends (Japanese kindergarten/preschool) we started our elementary school journey together. I say “together” because it really does feel like it’s just that. We were off to a good, but rough start, for a variety of reasons (the language barrier being one major point). After a really difficult parent/teacher conference I left feeling incredibly discouraged, lonely and isolated. I felt discouraged because it was a shock, and lonely and isolated because I felt like no one could relate to us (at least not in my immediate circle of friends). I picked up my kids from my friends home and we dragged our sorry selves home. That evening, after the kids were in bed, I slumped onto the sofa and grabbed my phone.

There it was. In a text from my close friend, I read four simple, yet profoundly encouraging words: I will support you.

She translated the words into English for me. Those four words had the power to pick me up, take my hand, and walk with me. I knew what those words meant to her, because from the little I’ve learned of the Japanese culture, I knew this meant more than words. Did I become part of her group?

This is where living in a different culture starts to blow your mind a little. I needed to separate how I viewed “support” as a Western/American and view it through the lens of a Japanese individual. Friendship no longer is defined by frequent communication & text messages asking me how my day is.  If I view friendship through those criteria, I won’t feel like I have many close friends in my new community. I’m still learning how to discern friendship in a new culture. It’s difficult to learn a new language and culture, but to also learn how to be yourself in a friendship and accepting the other person in that context for what friendship means to them – that’s hard stuff.

I will support you =
                              =  you’re not alone
                              =  I have your back
                              =  I will sacrifice for you
                              =  we are a group, we are in community and in relationship
                              =  your success = my success
                              =  your struggles = my struggles
                              =  you are going out of your way for me
                              =  you are walking with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly
                              =  from the moment you hear these words and after, we’re on the same team

Friendship is no longer communication on my terms. Friendship isn’t always about fluency, words, or deep conversation. Friendship can be presence. Friendship can be support.

How could our relationships change if we used these four words? I answer that with two words: “life giving”.

Oh how the Lord surrounds us and quietly whispers “I will support you”. The Lord steps into our loneliness and isolation and reminds us that He is ever-present, walking hand in hand with us.

Psalm 18: 16-19 gives us this comfort:
He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemies,
from those who hated me and were too strong for me.
They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress,
but the LORD supported me.
He led me to a place of safety;
he rescued me because he delights in me.

Psalm 68:5-6
Father of the fatherless and protector of widows
is God in his holy habitation.
God settles the solitary in a home;
he leads out the prisoners to prosperity,
but the rebellious dwell in a parched land.

Have you interacted with a different culture and experienced new meaning behind supporting and loving someone? Would you mind sharing it in the comments?

How does the Lord speak to you in your loneliness?

Oh, my dear Japanese friends, I love you. Thank you for showing me new ways how to love.
私の友達、愛について教えてくれて本当にありがとうございます！

-Kaytlin ケイトリン